My Inner Peace…

Early this morning, I slept at around 5am(just came from my graveyard shift). I setup the alarm at around 9am… Ring! Ring! So there.. I woke up at 9am. I thought of someone special to me and prayed that the interview this person had undergone was ok. I waited ’til 11am. At around that time, I sent out a text message, "kamusta ang interview?" Hehehe,apparently the interview was scheduled for next week. She just attended the job expo. Phew… that was kinda relieving because she has not updated her resume yet. Hmm.. wait a minute. This is not my interview, why do i worry so much?? Hehehe. Maybe because I care for this person a lot.

Anyway, so much for my introduction. Haha. After that text message, I had setup the alarm for 2pm. I was planning on dropping by the gym before going to work. Ring! Ring! There goes my alarm again… So I woke up, went to "lola" to eat my lunch, and unexpectedly, an old friend from way back sent me a text message.

I was…mmm…kinda moved with the message. So I replied back. We were getting kinda serious with our talks about life through text that we decided to see each other and talk more.. He felt like I needed someone to talk to (psychic?? Yayks!)

So, there we were..talking and talking about life. What he said, things he explained were not new to me.. But somehow, I got struck with some of his words… I’m sure if I tell you what they were, you’d simply say "luma na yan..", or "ngayon ka pa?" but, anyhow… this is my blog(hehe, I can write anything I want), and what I learned was something refreshing for me… and I liked it.. If I can convince myself with this thought, with this lesson everyday, I can start being happy and live my life at ease…

I learned that:

* Life is short

* Live life to the fullest

* Live more, Love less (which is still hard for me to understand)

* When you’re in love with someone, it’s enough to know that you’re in love, and that you’re not doing anything wrong that can hurt your partner. Just remember that the other person needs to breathe as well.. You can never hold his/her life.

* When you love..love. Don’t control.

* When you love, always be faithful. In thoughts and most especially in deeds… (duh! This I know from long ago. Let’s just say I know how it feels to be cheated…)

* When you love, leave some for yourself.

* When you love, never enforce love.

* When you love, let your love influence the other’s love for you. When he/she loves you, he/she will.

* When you love, know your worth… give yourself a breather once in a while.

These and some more…

For those of you who were inspired, I feel for you..

Lastly,

"Find eyes that will see you at your ugliest, a heart that will love you at your worst, and still love you inspite of everything…"

What can be more beautiful than to see a genuine expression of personality!  When someone expresses himself or herself in all sincerity–whether in a pensive moment or in word or deed–the personality is breathtakingly revealed.  No masterpiece in an art gallery can compare with it.  The body may be mediocre, the mind average, the soul undeveloped, and the spirit may have little chance to function in a mental environment devoid of faith.  But personality shines when genuinely expressed.

I have awakened to my loneliness and the despair is overwhelming. I simultaneously experience a desire and a strong disinterest in relating to others. I am straddling two worlds both of which cause me pain, now. Desolate despair darkens the doorstep of my emotional entity.

I have been alone most of my life. Even when in the company of others or in relationship with or to others, I have been alone. Socially alone. Emotionally alone. Void of feeling pleasure from social interaction in a world that values this above almost all else. Walking down the street "blind" to the way of the world. Walking down the street listening to the music that soothes my soul having no choice but to be oblivious to the apparently otherwise obvious as far as others are concerned.

I detest superficiality; I’d rather be alone than have to suffer through complexities. I refuse to view things only from a sober, rational standpoint.My ideal, upon which I base my life, is sophisticated pleasure.

I dare not admit how disinterested I often am or how little I often care. I get bored so easily. No matter how great the anxiety when around people, now, ever-increasingly there is a pervasively-painful loneliness that I feel, at times, when alone. It feels different from anything I’ve known before. Is this progress? Does this mean I am moving forward? It is so hard to measure and define this when I am truly the only person in the world that knows exactly how I feel or don’t feel. It can be very challenging to try to explain this at the best of times, let alone the worst of times - the gut-wrenching grief-stricken times that I experience so often now.