My Inner Peace…

Even when you think you have your life all mapped out, things happen that shape your destiny in ways you might never have imagined. A successful life is one that is lived through understanding and pursuing one’s own path, not chasing after the dreams of others.

I was doing my daily report early today. I just came from the gym (which was a few steps away from office, thank God!). I had my headset covering both my ears, listening to Rivermaya’s "214" from the Tristancafe website. Singing alongside Bamboo, "Am I real, and do the words I speak before you make me feel.." All of the sudden, it came to me.. I was brought back down the memory lane of my old self. I was idle for a couple of seconds, mind and spirit separated from my body… Flashbacks of the way I used to be…back when I was in high school…the times when everything was laid-back, uncomplicated…then it brought me to memories of my college years, back when I enjoyed singing and doing musicals, joining choirs, singing in contests, being with friends, etcetera..etcetera…and then I realized, "I miss my old self." The "Guddz" that used to laugh all the time. The " Guddz" that loved to watch cartoons; who loved walking and strolling along malls (alone); who always day dreams and smiles after having realized it was all just a dream; who loves to sing a lot;who loves his family so much..and himself. I miss my old self.

Lately, I’ve been eating alot of Vanilla-flavored wafer. Oh, yeah! Love it. The one that can be bought at 7/11. Costs something like P14 bucks. I used to love to eat wafers.

When did I stop loving it?

I used to be happy all the time?

When did all the grimace, puckered brow frown come into the picture…the portrait of my life?

Then it hit…it was the time when I had lost touch of old myself and had forgotten the reason, my own reason for doing things.

I have dreams in life..for myself and for my family..and ofcourse, for the people in my life, that I love. I have dreams. Previous to realizing this, I had been blinded by a lot of things. By pride, self-esteem, ignorance (and arrogance for myself), and by this thing called "LOVE"…

or so I thought..

Do you believe that love is beautiful? That love is indeed lovely? That love conquers all? That love is a many splendored thing? That God is love? If so… then, love must be more of the positive side..right?

Then maybe it was not love that had blinded me at all..but something else. Wish I knew what it was. But it doesn’t really matter anymore if I know it or not (some of us know the answer; we just choose not to see it).

There was this one movie that I loved, "Anna and the King" and in that movie, there was a line delivered by Tuptim before she was about to be killed. She said, "if love was a choice, who would ever choose exquisite pain.." So does that mean that if we love, we should expect to get hurt in return? That love and pain is more like a package deal?

WOOOOOOWWW!! Time out!!!

Haha…I’m sorry. Ideas just keep rushing through my mind. Once I write, I can’t stop. Argh! I hate it (or love it, hehe). Anyway, going back… (transforms to serious self again)..

Have you ever been in a race before? When you think you have it all planned out. You thought you were ready for anything that might come in your way. Yet, every pit stop that you come accross, you just lose it all..one by one.. your sanity, common sense, judgement, character, personality, self-worth ..and eventually..yourself!

It’s a sad thing, I know. But this is something we have to realize. Life is not a race. When the day is done,do you lie in your bed With the next hundred chores running through your head? You’d better slow down. When you run so fast to get somewhere, you miss half the fun of getting there. According to, ehem.. the movie "Anna and the King"..again, the King said, "the roads are for journeys, not destinations.

Enjoy life.

Life is not a race. Do take it slower. Hear the music, before the song is over…

Human beings have an uncanny ability to under or overvalue just about everything. Rarely are things, on a general scale, looked at as fair value. Our own worth of ourselves too can fall victim to this scenario..

I have friends, here and there, who ask me for some pieces of advice. Most of them have the same stories, same patterns and all that jazz. I’d tell them to always…always "KNOW YOUR WORTH.."

Know your worth.. Know your worth.. Know your worth…

Tsk.. Tsk.. Tsk..

Even I don’t know what that means anymore.
Lately, life has been too hard for me. I no longer know my own worth. This saddens me alot, because, looking back to what I had gone through and did or tried to do to overcome it…it was nothing close to knowing my own worth. I tried to take it all in. Giving myself my own biased excuses just so I would be blinded by the truth, and thought that everything would be all right. I was always extending my patience and temper. If I was angry, I’d show the complete opposite of it..thinking, "things will be better; it’s better this way.."

Well, guess what. Things didn’t become better, and I ended up sulking and feeling sorry for myself. Later I realized, I’m nothing close to being a "god". I cannot always take it all in. Even God had His own share of wrath when He sent those plagues to the pharoah and his people. Imagine that. God, the ultimate being, also gets infuriated.

Maybe it’s time to know my own worth. This morning, as I was sitting all alone at home, I thought to myself, "if I’m so good at giving people pieces of advice, why not do one for myself, and do what I always tell them..to KNOW YOUR OWN WORTH, my own worth."

I am worth it all:

I deserve to be happy
I deserve to be loved
I deserve respect
I deserve love and attention
I deserve romance and adventure
I deserve a good story of my life

I don’t need to take it all in. We are all special and I believe we all deserve all of the wonderful things the world can offer. If someone thinks or shows you otherwise, just smile and say…"I’m sorry but I’m worth it. It’s your loss, you’ll see.." If someone says they care for you, yet they cannot stand to be near you…it’s not worth your time! Again, know your worth.

It gets lonely at times, I know. Thinking, "can I really be happy? Do I really deserve to be happy?" Well, let me ask you this, "do you believe in God?", "do you believe that God wants us to be happy?", "do you love your parents, brothers and sisters?", "would it make them feel happy if you’re happy?"..if you’re answer is YES to all of my questions, then baby, you’re worth it. I am worth it. We all are.

Sometimes, if we attach ourselves really tight to something(our cellphones, clothes, cars, money), or someone, for that matter, we tend to forget ourselves. Know your worth… Besides, for all the questions that we have in this lifetime…just remember that…THE ANSWER IS RIGHT INFRONT OF US.

Never make excuses for someone..nor for yourself.
Excuses are biased judgements.. If you think something’s wrong, or something’s right? And you need confirmation to affirm if it really is right or wrong…Dudes and dudettes, THE ANSWER IS RIGHT INFRONT OF YOU…

Be happy.

Life is beautiful…I, you, we all deserve to be happy.
If someone ever, ever thinks otherwise… Let that person rot in hell..hehe. Kidding.. Nah, really. You don’t have to take in what other people think of you. You live your life. I live my life. I’m worth it all..

When you’re sad, lonely, devastated, or desperate, the world does not stop for your grief; quite fairly, the world will never rejoice for your happiness…

How true is this?

Let me start this journal with a short story. My own story…

Mmm… Childhood..Ah yes..childhood. My childhood was not as happy as the other’s, or so they thought. Hehe.

I was so sickly. Yeah, I was cute, but people always made fun of me. My huge cousins (back when I was still so small) would always tease me and try to beat me up (unintentionally..for fun, as what they say).In school, people always picked on me. I was too tall, or too thin. I didn’t have the cool stuff my classmates had. I couldn’t hang out with the "cool" ones(duh!!). I was the shy type of person. But then again, how does one define happiness?

For me, true happiness is having a MEANINGFUL LIFE. I remember my childhood and as I’m writing this…I feel happy. I remember how we, my mom and dad and brothers and sisters, how we were happy with simple things…Sharing something so simple, yet, with the magic of love and warmth of kindness, we managed to make it so…meaningful.

It did not end there, though…
Life, as we know it, has its own twists and turns.. Oh yes! I’ve been through a lot. I’ve gone through different roads; different journeys. Something that normal people cannot comprehend.

I know how it feels to be alone; to be cheated; to be crushed; to be disappointed; to be destroyed and demolished.

I remember trusting someone; yet that person had molested me when I was a kid…a kid!! Can you imagine someone growing up thinking what will lie ahead when his heart had been crushed? (Hmmm..I’m no longer ashamed to admit this, by the way). I had read a lot of articles about people who had undergone the same scenario, and most of these people didn’t have a future. Most of them were suicidal. Most of them had given up on life..and on love.

Yet, there was always hope in me. Hope in trusting people. Hope in having a good life. Hope in living with utmost trust and confidence. Sometimes, I share this hope with someone, hoping that someone would understand what kind of "hope" I have in me. Many people have always misunderstood me, and what I’ve been through, and what I want in life.

Now..about happiness… Some would say we make our own happiness..That happiness is a choice. How true is this? I’d say.. Mmm..maybe, 80% true for me. With what I’ve been through, I can only be happy when the person I love is happy…Now, that is still a choice. A choice I made for myself.There are different forms of happiness, I know. One can smile and pretend to be happy, or just simply gives a grin but is overjoyed deep inside. But what I want is to see and feel that the person I love is happy…from within. I don’t care about smiles and laughs.. Those are superficial stuff… With people I love, I wanna share true happiness with them…

Do people see me happy?

I don’t know. With my own happiness, I try to keep it low. I would care less for me, and more for others. You say it’s wrong, at times? Well, for me…at the end of the day, I always ask myself, "have I made someone happy? or was I too focused on my own happiness?"

Sometimes, I try to reach out to people. Letting them know how I truly feel. If I’m sad, or overjoyed with happiness.. Most of the time, I get the "ok, that’s nice" answer which is, something…general. That’s fine with me. I can handle it, anyway. But with others? I always try to see to it, I make someone happy. If it’d be my last day, I wouldn’t regret sharing happiness with others…than with myself.

I guess, some people are just too selfish…
(Now how did this line get in here? hehe.I don’t know.. It just popped up, I guess…)

It’s 12:38am, I have to take my lunch break for my graveyard shift.. God bless ya’ll!!!

It’s 11:40pm. "click.. click.." I hear myself typing some stuff on the keyboard. I just finished my report and I’m glad I was able to submit it on time.. So ther I was, browsing through the internet… Checking websites and watching videos online, until suddenly, my cellphone vibrated. I checked it out, clicked on "view message" and saw that it was from my sister..

************ segue *******
My sister, Geraldine.. she’s pretty and beautiful and smart and intelligent; super talented (knows how to play the guitar and piano so well) and can melt your hearts with her sweet voice… but most of all, she’s someone who’s been through a lot in life but still stood strong. She’s one of the few people that I truly love and cherish..
************ segue *******

Anyway, going back…

It was quite a long and rough day. I almost came in late for work, and these past few days…Mmm… things have been really tough for me..in all aspects.. emotional, spiritual, mental(yayks!). I was on the verge of giving up.. but when I read the message, it somehow gave me hope.

This is something I wanna share with y’all… Hope you all like this and I hope that in some little ways, it can purify your heart the same way it did mine.

Here goes:

A old man told his 5-year old grandson, "a terrible fight is going on inside me. A fight between two (2) wolves. One is evil; represents hate, anger, arrogance, intolerance and superiority. The other is good; represents joy, peace, love, understanding, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, and compassion."

The old man continued, "the same fight is going on inside you, inside every other person too.."

The grandson then asked, "which wolf will win?

The old man replied, "the one you feed…"
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Some people say you won’t know what you have until you lose it. I’d say this is true… Many of you might agree..or disagree.. But, this is true for me.

I lost someone I love…and in that period of time, things have been very uneasy for me. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t focus..or even talk straight without thinking of this person. Gosh! Call me crazy…

I guess, God does things to people to make them realize, that HE is there, and that we can always turn to Him, whenever we need to..

In that period of time, I have realized something important.. I’m sure you’re all familiar with this, especially if you’ve watched "A Walk to Remember"..

Ehem.. Ehem..

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not
easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

[1 Corinthians 13: 4-7]
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Bottom line is…

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it’s one day further from the last time you saw each other, it’s one day closer to the next time you will.

Letting go… part 1

When is it time to let go? Can anyone tell me? Must we go through the process of feeling pain and sorrow and loneliness everyday… It’s hard… Really hard…

This morning when I woke up… I still couldn’t stop thinking of this person. "Why???" The one question I always ask myself. Then I try to recall all the situations when during our past experience with each other…all the hurtful experiences. The time when we fought; the time when I always complained that I don’t get enough attention to feel special; the time when I always feel discounted and disregarded; the time when I found out how cheating was happening behind my back; and then I pause..feel better for a couple of seconds.. and then the pain comes back.

Memory always brings me back to the happy moments. I try to reach out. I tried sending text messages; tried calling. No answer. It’s as if I was left all alone all of the sudden. "Is that person willing to forget everything?" "I know I did some stuff that pissed that person off, but.. nothing compared to what this person did to me." Yet, with all of these, I’m the one reaching out. I was willing to forget everything and start anew.

I asked friends indistinctly about my situation. They say I’m simply stupid. That I have to let go. I just can’t…yet.

I woke up at around 1:40pm (coming from the airport to fetch my mom). I couldn’t sleep due to high temperature. I was perspiring while trying to sleep. So I decided to drop by the gym and just…keep myself busy. On my way to Makati, while on the bus and in the jeep, my MP3 player’s playing "Love is on the way" by Billy Porter. I had set it to repeat itself a billion times.

———————-
exerpt:
LOVE IS ON THE WAY

Suddenly alone…
and my tears, are all that find me
Its gonna take some time to forget.
Cause everything we’ve known,
Is lying broken, all around me.
My heart is only filled with regret.
But I got to let go of the heartache, oh yeah yeah
Got to hold on and try to believe…Oh oh

CHORUS
Love is on the way
On wings of angels.
I know its true,
I’ll get over you
Love is on the way
Time, turning the pages.
I don’t know when, but love will find me again.
———————-

It’s 7:32pm on my watch. I’ll be doing my daily dashboard (the report that we use for the global morning call which starts at around 11pm). I’m so lost. I can’t focuse. I plan to call this person’s office, have a talk. That way, may call cannot be previcarated.

I’m hurt.. I’m sad.. I’m willing to forget everything and start anew. There is hope in me. There is hope..

This one’s for you..
Please listen…
Finish what you started… I love you…

=,(
==========================================
FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED
Lea Salonga

So, near yet so far
That’s how it is
Oh, that’s how you are
What more can I do?
These walls won’t let me get through
But if I know you, you will

Chorus:
Finish what you started
You’ll come back to me
I know it’s gonna feel, baby
Like it used to be
So finish what you started
I will wait for you

I know where I stand
A fool for your love
Oh, that’s what I am
I’m losin’ control
You’re down too deep in my soul
To let you go, won’t ya

(Repeat Chorus)

I’m standing here shakin’
Wonderin’ if you let me in
Oh, don’t watch my heart breakin’
Knowing what we could have been
What more can I do?
Your heart just won’t let me through

But if I know you (Finish what you started)
And I think I know you, baby (Finish what you started)
And you can really show me if
You finish what you started
You’ll come back to me
I know it’s gonna feel, baby
Like it used to be
So finish what you started
I will wait for you
I will wait for you (Ahh)

Finish what you started
I’m gonna wait for you
Finish what you started
Don’t you keep me waitin’ (ohhh)
Finish what you started (ohhh)
Finish what you started
You’ll come back to me
I know it’s gonna feel baby
Like it used to be
So finish what you started
I will wait for you