My Inner Peace…

For those of who have work, I’m pretty sure you can relate to this. For those who are don’t have, be thankful you’re not working. Haha. Kidding. Mmm.. For those who haven’t graduated, enjoy life in college.. Don’t be in a hurry. For those who have,  yet you’re having a hard time looking for a job, try to exert more effort. I’m pretty sure a company is out there waiting for you(like love?? Ehem.. Ehem.. Let’s go back to the topic).

So, ok.. The reason why I’m so itching to squeal about this is…this month’s Month-End Reports. Oh, by the way, the picture on the right, that’s my desk at the office. (Ehem..)  Going back, I hate Month ends.. It’s when everybody’s nose bleeds in agony; not to mention sleepless nights(or days) just to finish up the insignificant report (well, come to think of it, it is significant, otherwise we won’t be asked to do it.. NEXT!!). Last month, during month-end times, I was out of the office. Thank God my sister got married during those times, so I had to go home to our province and attend the wedding. Oh, here’s a sample picture..

Hard work spotlights  the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all. I would like to be in the "some don’t turn up at all" category. Haha. Kidding.. I’ve been working my butt off, and the good thing is.. I see results, which kind of makes me feel good about myself..having this sense of achievement.

I love my work and the people I’m with. They take care of me like I’m their baby. They laugh when I laugh, and be silent when I’m serious. Sure, we have lots of arguments, but it never last. (Getting mushy?? Aaaw… No way!! Haha)

For those of you who have work, find time to unwind.. or, better yet, try to look for something to release you stress. If your a reader, try looking for nice books to read. If you’re the wacky type, try going out..to beaches, and other relaxing but fun-filled places. Me, if only I have the time, I would..but I’m not blessed with the luxury of time, so..I unwind (or release stress) at the gym.. which is only 5 minutes away from the office. Well, if you have to ask, I go to Fitness First. Not that I have a good body or anything like that.. It’s more for the health and well-being.. Oh, the picture was taken after I had my gym session. Yeah I know, I was inside the elevator, taking a picture of myself.. I look stupid, don’t I? Hahaha.

So, if you ask, "what happened to her??"

Uhmm.. I’d say she’s at a better; better disposition right now. She’s happier, now that I’m not around.  As for me, thing’s haven’t changed that much. I mean, she was never around anyway, even before. Do I still love her? Yes I do, that I cannot deny..but this time, it’s of a different degree, different level. This time, I’m keeping a lot of love to myself.

This I got from the a website, I’ll leave you with this.. Oh, and again.. I hate Month-Ends,hehe.  Enjoy!!

"You cannot leave something until you love it. You are tied to things you don’t like. If you hate something, you will be drawn to it again and again (even though the person or form may change) until you love it. Once you love it, you are free from it."

"There are times when I cant decide whether to see you or not, I want to see you because I miss you but there are times when I dont want to see you because everytime I do, the fact that you dont see me the way that I see you hurts me even more."

It’s currently 11:05pm. I finished consolidating my reports and compiling them for the meeting about twenty minutes ago. I was browsing through the website and found this beautiful song. I listened to it.. and.. somehow, I just couldn’t help it. Tears were flowing down like rain (It is an exagerration, I know, but..tears were falling down). My station was at the corner, so no one really saw me, but I wiped my tears away and stopped the music.. for a while… took a deep breath..and listened to it again.

The song’s from Deborah Cox, entitled "definition of love.." The song really has nothing to do with me or my current situation.,..or does it? Mm… Maybe it was because I had been sad for such a long time.. and had been longing to be loved, like I loved.

Or maybe it was something else.

"…Write it down a thousand times, four-letter word that makes me cry. How I feel about it, I cant decide. No, I dont know, so i’ll improvise…" - Deborah Cox

===== segue ====

Yesterday, as I was on my way home, there was this emptiness that I felt inside. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to think or feel. Questions kept running through my mind. As I went down the bus, which was around 5:40am, I walked along Bicutan towards our house (which was about 10 minutes away from home). It was raining. I held my umbrella while walking, still I couldn’t stop the tears…

Is there something more that I could do?

Do I still know my place? Am I still needed?

===== segue ====

Going back. After listening to that heartbreaking song, I tuned in to one of my favorite artists.. India Arie. Now, India..haha. She made me laugh and made me feel good about myself. Her song entitled "I am not my hair" just..made my day. Ok, before you open your browser and search for this song, here’s an exerpt of the lyrics.

I AM NOT MY HAIR

Good hair means curls and waves
Bad hair means you look like a slave
At the turn of the century
Its time for us to redefine who we be
You can shave it off Like a South African beauty
Or get in on lock Like Bob Marley
You can rock it straight Like Oprah Winfrey
If its not what’s on your head Its what’s underneath and say HEY….

India Arie… phew.. I love this woman. She’s so open to topics and concerns, and mixes it with her music..and thus, making one heck of a sound. There’s nothing like taking on the big issues, and that’s exactly what India Arie does with her music.

I love her…

Mmm..I guess that’s it for now. It’s 12:00 midnight.. Gotta take my lunch break..("lunch break?", you ask?)..Yes, my lunch break. Take care ya’ll..

Each man hides a secret pain. It must be exposed and reckoned with. It must be dragged from the darkness and forced into the light.

We often find ourselves wandering around the world of dream and imagination, and then ask ourselves, "why can’t the world be as perfect as this?"

Most of the time I daydream about a lot of stuff. I dream about things that I don’t have, things that I can have, things that I never had, and things that I know will never happen in real life. In that swift moment of contentment and delight, I’d sometimes wish I’d  stay in that state forever.

Why do we dream?

Dreams trick us into thinking we’re out striving in the wider world. Is it our way of protecting ourselves? From getting hurt? From the pain of believing the truth? What is the truth?

Do I daydream because I’m scared? Because I cannot face the fact that the dreams I have will never be mine? Or do I dream because I know I will have them, maybe just not all at same time? Do I dream because I still have hope in me?

Am I just trying to escape the pain? Pain of getting hurt? Pain of being devastated? If so, then I wish to dream all the time. Even so, in dreams, these so-called pain and suffering hunt me.

I was told, not only by family members, but by friends as well that I get nightmares. I am fully aware of that. They saw me cry while I was asleep. They saw me whimper and snivel. Does this mean that we can never escape pain and the hurtful feelings that we always try to avoid in the real world?

Must we suffer in order for us to learn?

I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers.

There really is nothing much into this. I’m not trying to make a point, nor am I trying to drive something out. I just..feel scared, that’s all.

You might read this as it is, or you may see the real meaning of the words in this blog and know by heart what I am trying to say.

You must never stop dreaming. Face reality, yes. But don’t stop with the way things are; dream of things as they ought to be.

Someone once said: "What goes around comes around. Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching."

It’s easier said than done. Let me dissect this one by one, with my own perpective and opinion on things.

WORK LIKE YOU DON’T NEED THE MONEY

Yeah, this is true. How rewarding it must feel to work like you don’t need the money. But, what if you really do? Practicability can always come into place. I guess, what this line means is, to have fun at work and not worry about what you get from it, to free yourself from stress. But, what would you do if your son was at home, crying all alone on the bedroom floor ‘coz he’s hungry? What now? Not that I have a kid or anything like that. Will have in probably 10 years from now, but that’s beside the point.I don’t have a child, but I do need the money, too. I sure hope we can all win the lottery so we could work like we don’t need the money. But then again, it’s nice to have fun at work..and think of the money you get from it..(especially when you’ve rendered a lot of overtime hours, hehehe).

LOVE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN HURT

This, I like. To love like you’ve never been hurt. But then again, this can raise a lot of issues. Why? ‘Coz they say that it takes two to tango. Now, what happens if it’s only one of them who loves like he’s never been hurt..What happens next? Easy. It’s either, he teaches the other person what true loving really is, or he gets hurt again..and when he does get hurt again…Either of two things can happen, he can believe in the line "love like you’ve never been hurt" and have hope again, or be rebellious and play around and enter into relationships with only one goal..to hurt! This will be his way of revenge. For me? I don’t need to answer these questions. My previous blogs can tell them for me.. but if you have to ask, I always and will always love like I’ve never been hurt.

DANCE LIKE NOBODY’S WATCHING

I like this. Have you seen the movie "Take the Lead?" The one that starred Antonio Banderas as the dance instructor? I love the part when this black girl ran away from home, went to school late at night, played the CD, and danced as if no one was watching. You see, everytime you do that, you become your true self..no one’s watching. You become the real you. No one’s watching. You dominate your comfort zone. No one’s watching. You’re you.. the real you.. and then you can collect your thoughts and start to rethink your life, without having anyone to confuse your judgement over things. This does not only refer to dancing. When you’re in a performance, or in any circumstance..in everything you do, you have to put your heart into it. "Dance like no one’s watching.." Don’t dance to impress someone.. ‘coz in the end, the smart ones know where to look..and it’s not in your performance. It’s in your heart.

I like to keep it short this time.

I only have less than 40 minutes left before I head for home. It’s 2:22am in my watch. Thank God my reports are over for today. Tomorrow’s another day.