My Inner Peace…

Hmm.. This is not the typical me who’ll be talking about sex..sex..and all about sex. Oh no!! Not me. Hehehe.. The subject is quite intriguing..quite tempting..but.. Naah.. I would rather not..or..would I? Hmm.. I dont think I have the right to even start a conversation such as this. Someone who’s got a lot of experience should..not me!! I have always been the "master" of heartbroken, sad stories.. But, ok..I’ll try my best to talk about something everyone "rarely" talks about.

What is sex?? (or should I even start with that question..) Ok, ok.. Let me rephrase.. How does one person have intercourse with another? (hmm..not a very appealing line to attract,huh)..

*Erase-Erase*

Me thinking: Phew!!Palms are sweating now..heart is beating so fast. How do I start a blog with sex as a topic?? Think Guddz!! Think!! You can do it!!

Ok.. Sex on the civil side would be a better approach. Who talks about what,  then? When we we’re kids, has anyone ever taught us the "dos and dont’s" of sex? Nope.. I dont think so. Why? Because we’re scared.. (of what Guddz, tell me..what were you scared of??)..Well, I was scared of being punished for thinking about it, even as a kid. I felt comfortable talking about it with cousins and classmates. Uh oh!! Wait.. Wait.. I dont want you to think differently here. When I was a kid, two people kissing, for me was already sex. So.. I really had noooo idea. TRUST ME!!! We pick up some information from videos we secretly watch. I remember when I was in grade 3 or 4, my cousin lent me his porn BETA tape. The BETA player was on my parent’s room..so I was there. I was so engrossed watching it not knowing I forgot to lock the door. Alas! My dad caught me. So, then I was reprimanded and given a warning.. (For what Guddz??? For watching the video).. Hell yeah! So, who then should I talk about it with??

We, Filipinos, have the innate nature of being..conservative. Our lolos and lolas during their ancient times never talked about it (I think). Well, they should..maybe. Studies show that kids who feel they can talk with their parents about sex — because their moms and dads speak openly and listen carefully to them — are less likely to engage in high-risk behavior as teens than kids who do not feel they can talk with their parents about the subject.

So.. What is sex then? When two people kiss, is that sex? Hahaha. Call me crazy and stupid, but..really, I thought of it as something sooooooo sexual when I was a kid. When I was a kid, seeing two couples kiss on TV, was too much for me. I would literally cover my eyes..(Why would you do that?)..Well, because that was how I was taught and raised. That I was not at the right age to watch people kiss. Mmm.. Maybe t’was for the better. Maybe it was good for me and for anyone who was raised that way. In a weird kinda way, that brought my being "conservative" to present.

I know a lot of people who, at a very young age, are active at sex. Most of them got pregnant, some of them (the guys) regretted having impregnated their women. Imagine this, someone who’s at a very young age, someone who has a lot in store for him/her, would have someone to take care of (a baby). Some of these people I talk about are trying to get their life back, and are becoming successful, but not all. Time wasted is time…what was that quote again?? Mental block.. NEXT!!!

Ok, so what else? MAST@#%TION.. Whoever talks about that? Not your kuya, especially not your dad. So what option do have left except your friends. You learn stuff about (ehem..ehem..), you-know-what, from your friends and peers. Luckily, when I was in high school we had sex education. Mmm.. Im not sure if it’s ok to post it but, we were consented to watch a real porn movie..the whole class together with our teacher. She was good at it..at explaining things, that is (naughty you, haha). We then learned real stuff, stuff they don’t teach in normal schools..and Im glad I got the awareness from a real teacher, from a real class..

Oh yeah about the "M" thing. I had a funny experience. My cousin caught me..uhmm..nahh..would rather not talk about it as well..haha. NEXT!!!

So, what am I really driving at here? Nothing sexual, I hope. I guess, what I’m trying to say is, we, as future parents (in 10 years from now, I guess), should start early at educating our kids. Initiate conversations even about sex and sexuality. We need to create an open environment and communicate our own values. We have to be patient and use everyday opportunities to talk..talk..and talk.. (Hey, I’m not planning to become a dad, anytime soon.. Haha.. I’m just suggesting..)

Earlier, as I was finishing up my reports, I was trying to figure out a topic for my blog.. This one’s lame, I know. I couldnt think of anything else. Haha. I’ll think of something better next time.

It’s 4:45am. Fifteen more minutes and Im outta here. Yeepee!!!

I have always wondered what it was like to be in someone else’s shoes. Im pretty sure we all have. The what-ifs would always be apparent. When I was young, I’d put myself in a fantasy world, imagining I was one of the members of X-Men..and then I’d create a character, make my own special powers, and establish my own relationships among other X-Men members. All of these were created in my mind. I was good at it.. Oh yes, I was!!! And then there were other cartoons and fantasy movies

As we grow old, our outlook and viewpoint about life changes. We then establish serious relationships, start to make friends, start to go out more often, and establish our own identity amongst peers. Our what-ifs then evolve to something different.

What if I was richer? What if I was Brad Pitt’s brother, or Mariah Carey’s cousin, or Stevie Wonder’s son, or Gary V.’s third male child, or Dolphy’s son from another woman..or this..or that? Would my life have been any better?

I see friends. Mmm..I know it’s bad, but sometimes (rarely), it crosses my mind, "what if I was in his shoes, Im sure I could be happier than how he is feeling right now.."

Mmm..and then it came to me. I’m no different than anyone else.. If I think this way, I’m sure some people would wish to be in my shoes. Hehehe. So, here goes. What I am about to tell you is an overview of how my life has been for the last 24 years of my existence..and then you tell me if you’d still like to be in my shoes.

Hmm..Let me rephrase that..Let me just tell you instead, a short story about a cute boy named GUDDZ.

Ehem.. Ehem..

It was a dark Saturday night of August 21, 1982, when a cute baby boy was born in the small town of Zamboanga. His mother labored in pain but it was all worth it. He was a normal boy, the fourth (4^th) child among six (6). His father couldnt think of a really nice name for him..he(the father) was drunk at the time this cute boy was born. Instead of naming him Romeo, or Lemuel, or Joshua, or Mikolaj, or Vincent, or even the most common Brian..he named him GUERARDO. Wow! How exciting! Guerardo.. Tsk. Tsk. He was later named by his cousins and friends "Guddz"(thank GOD for cousins and friends!!)..

When he was still a baby, he fell (well, I din’t really fall. Someone tossed me, but the story’s so funny that I wouldn’t even dare go to details) from the double-deck bed. A baby with a basketball-sized head. He almost died. Oh YES!! Almost..But..no. His life continued there on. He was known to be a loner. People loved him. Yes, they did. He was asked to perform everytime aunts and uncles came home, or during parties. But still he always felt alone, but his love for his family could never be compared to any richness in the world. At age 12, he joined the ABS-CBN "Awitanghalan" Regional Singing Contest (which was shown on TV). He did not get the winning prize, but he did win something. The shoot was in Davao. That was when he was molested..by a vocal coach from Cagayan. A big, hairy guy! So devastating, that left a scar on Guerardo’s life.

Soon after that, it was hard for him to even make eye contacts with people. He felt so dirty..BUT, that didn’t stop him from living a good life..or at least trying to. (Fast forward)

In college, he was into music, a lot. Music surrounded his world.. He joined three (3) choirs, altogether. During the whole duration of his college years, he joined a lot of musical plays..some of which he had pretty major roles. He made lots of friends at that time, made known his name.. College was the turning point for Guerardo. That was the time when all the doors opened for him. All things in life. All possibilities he never thought could happen. He met "real" people.Oh yeah, the superficial ones were always around..but he focused more on the real side of it. He met this girl named "Che2x" who became one of his closest friends. A very talented soprano singer. You dont want to anger her. She will literally kill you. Even so, he still felt alonelike there was something missing

Relationships made Guerardo feel even more isolated from the world. His trust had always been broken. Its enough that he was molested by someone he trusted, but by friends..and loversArgh! (Sob.. Sob..)

Soon after, he left Cebu and went to Manila. He took the coward’s way out of his problems. Being in Manila was tougher than he thought. He didn’t know anyone. No contacts, so he had to stop making music/singing a hobby. He needed to find a job. Manila’s big…HUGE!! He didnt know places, or people. But, this guy..this Guerardo guy is and has always been resourceful, optimistic, and imaginative. He always made a way for things to work out..and luckily, it did..

Right now, hes working for HSBC as an Operations Analyst (AMO; Assistant Manager for Opsdesk). Hes happy with his job and with people around him..He is happy right now. Even as I write this, I can feel his happiness leaping up and down, up and down.. As of this writing, its 11:58pm of August 21, and it still is his birthday. So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY GUDDZ!!! Cheers to you!!

Oh yeah, people still take advantage of his kindness and a lot have betrayed him, made talks about him. But that’s fine..It’s all part of life..I guees, with all that he’s been through, he can now say that it’s something that’s inevitable. Right now, he’s just taking thing’s one day at a time. He’s happy having friends, being with friends, being busy with gym and work, and being spiritually, emotionally, (and sometimes, physically) with his family. All I know is, GUDDZ is a loving person..a sweet one. Someone who’s..hopeless romantic..and..just wants to have a good life..If life permits, even be with someone who’s that loving and kind. (*Grins*)

So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury.. This is Guddz. Would you still want to be in his shoes?

Would you like to be in MY shoes??? Mmm.. Im hearing "buzzes" and "ehems" around.. Hehehe. Expected.

See, the thing is..no matter how badly you look at your life..Someone else’s is worse.. There is no preempted happy life. It is us who make life happy for ourselves..At least that’s what I believe in…

If you knew that you would die today, what would you do? Would you change? Gosh.. So little time to do that, huh. Some of you might even think, "nah..it’s too late for that. I’ll just enjoy ever minute I have", or maybe "yes, I would. I just might end up going to heaven.."

Heaven.. Heaven.. Ah, yes.. I know that place.

The earth is always shifting, the light is always changing, and the sea does not cease to grind down rocks. Change begets change. Change is essential…for survival.

As we walk through life, we see ourselves picking up our own pieces of lessons, tragedies, pain, happy thoughts, and all that jazz. We use those "stuff" and apply them in our everyday lives. Sometimes, for the good..and for the most part, it just complicates things.

But, that’s beside the point. Hehe. What I am trying to point out here, is..change  is inevitable. Whether we like it or not, things change. The weather, the time, the locations, TV programs, street names..you name it, it will change. Even our own feelings change; feelings within the relationship. (*remembers the past but shrugs it off; back to the serious-mode Guddz*)

If you knew that love can break your heart, would you change? When you’re down so low that you cannot fall, would you change? If you knew that you would be alone, or find a truth that would bring a pain that can’t be soothed ..would you change? If everything you think you know makes your life unbearable..would you change?

Even I do not know how to answer those questions. If change is something that’s  inevitable, then I guess there’s no other choice but to embrace it. I fear change. Many of us do. Especially when I had already accustomed myself to my own comfort zone. Moving apart from it is a no-no for me. But that doesn’t mean I cannot change my mind about it.(By the way, that’s me with my officemates..Aawww..cute!!)

The love-change thing is no different from any change at all. In a relationship, alot of things can change. Your feelings for one another. Your outlook in life. Your self-esteem…everything changes. If your partner’s love had died down, then it’s part of "change"..It sucks, I know. We sulk in sorrow..feel sorry for ourselves(myself, for that matter), never realizing.."maybe it is time to change..Maybe there was no more growth which is why, it’s time to change."

After accepting all that there is(which is still, by the way, part of change), we then learn to move on, and "change" our perspective in life. For the most part, we become blissful and cheerful..we’re now at the "happy stage".. YeY!! Huraaah!! Huraaah!! I guess, change is there, not fear, but to embrace, after all.

Take your time. It is never too late to change (whatever it is we all need to change). Each person has the same amount of time. So, take your time. Even the rich cannot buy time, hehe.

Mm..What if we found out that we’re two days older than dirt? Yaks!! No time to change. Haha. Kidding. There’s always time. I don’t really know where I am driving at here. Ideas just come rushing through my mind. I’m at work at a Thursday night. Sheeshh!! I’m sleepy.. Maybe I should "change" the music on my PC. I’m listening to George Michael’s ‘Somebody to love’.. Yep! It’s time to change the music. Haha. That might work!!

Ciao y’all… ccc( .).) …

It was a cold Saturday afternoon. I woke up at around 1:30pm, still groggy and bleary, yet I forced myself out of the bed, kissed my mom "good morning" (afternoon is still morning for me,hehe), and went to the shower…a cold one.

At around 2:30pm I was walking along Bicutan towards the bus stop to go to Makati for my daily gym routine, when I decided to stop by an internet cafe and check my emails. I opened my friendster account and found a testimonial from an old friend. Well, this friend’s one of the closest I know, and who knows a lot about me as well. Mmm.. His message kinda struck me. Upon reading it, I was stunned; paused for a couple of seconds and went on reading the rest of the lines. Here’s an excerpt:

"just a warning to everyone…this guy’s trust is fragile. once you’ve broken it, mending it back would be close to impossible. so you better handle it wity care."

This is what this blog is all about.

Even when I was a kid, I had always wanted to have a good life. A problem-free life. A life full of laughters and cheers. I know it’s close to being impossible, but even at least a chunk of that would do. I had always trusted people. It was very easy for me to trust someone, yet it had always been a pattern that people would disappoint me and let me down.

If you’ve read my old blog entry "My endless journey", I admitted that I was molested at the age of 13..and this crazy person was someone I(and my mom) had trusted. Friends in college had betrayed me as well; took advantage of my trust. They even tried to turn it against me.

What is it with this world that seem to NOT change at all?!! I get the same pattern (in trusting) every time. Even in relationships. Sheeesh!! Why do people have to lie and cheat? I was checking a website who answered this question. She said, "I think people betray because they are insecure about themselves." In a way, it’s true. But isn’t there any other way to deal with insecurity? Must one have to lie and cheat?

I have been a victim of betrayal, deception, and dishonesty. I know how it feels. It hurts a lot. Words couldn’t even describe the exact feeling of pain. Especially when you’ve been betrayed by someone you love. This has happened to me alot times. By a friend, an officemate, and by a lover.

It’s true that it is easy for me to trust someone, just like that. But please, whoever you are who would cross my path, never, ever break my trust. In as much as I want to bring it back (after having it destroyed), it would be hard for me. Not because I don’t want to, but because my heart had been wounded by a lot of swords with labels LIE, CHEAT, BETRAY! It was hard for me to put myself back into pieces..and..I don’t want to go through that process, ever again.

As of this writing, it’s 8:47pm, on a Saturday night..and I’m here at the office looking at numbers! What a bummer!! Well, gotta start with my reports. Y’all have a great weekend!

There are two types of people in this world - those who come into a room and say "Well, here I am!" and those who come in and say "Ah, there you are!" Which one would you want to be?

Everyday, we see people. People around the block; our "suki" who sells cigars and candies, Manang whom we buy our "kanin and ulam", the jeepney drivers, the
"kundoktors". People in the office; our Vice-President, our officemates, manong guard who greets us everytime he opens the door.. etcetera.. etcetera..

Everyday, we see these people, and if we have time, we even talk to them.. But, does it really matter what they think, or how their day was? Oftentimes we tend to be focused on our own set of daily tasks, our own patterns in life, that we ignore the essentials of being human, and being one with the world.. We can
talk, can we not? It is never an obligation for us to talk to everyone, but..sometimes, it pays to, even just a line or two, to these people.. We can all learn something from everyone. Here’s my story.

Everytime I ride a cab, when I’m alone, I see to it that I take the front seat.I was  on my way to work from the airport (bid my aunt goodbye), when suddenly there was this heavy traffic. I couldn’t stand not doing anything, so I started talking to "Manong drayber." I started with, "PU*A traffic!! Kainis naman o!", then he replied "Oo nga eh, ganon talaga dito." Then I started asking a lot of questions.. until it came to a point when I finally asked him, "Kuya, may mga anak na po kayo?", he said, "Oo, panganay ko 23 years old na." I was amazed by that scoop, so I said "ay, magka-edad lang pala kame!" That’s when he paused.. took a deep breath, and told me his story.

Way back 15 years ago, he was part of a crew ship.. A large ship that sailed through the Atlantic Ocean. He was earning a lot! Passengers were Hollywood stars. He was able to travel almost all parts of the world. Whenever he comes home, people call him "Boss Enteng..ang hari ng sabungan." He would spend alot in "sabung" (also known as cock fight). He used to have body guards and drivers, different cars, etc…

He never really explained how, but on that one frightful day, he went home only to find out that his wife had met someone else. Having placed all of what’s left of their assets to his wife’s name, he was left with nothing.

Now, all he has is his taxi(car) driving around town, picking up passengers,  them, "baka pwedeng dagdag bente." The what-was-once "Boss Enteng" is now
a taxi driver.

I asked him, "hindi niyo po ba nami-miss yung dati nyong buhay?" He just smiled and said, "Masaya na ako na na-experience ko yun. Dati panaginip ko lang makasakay ng barko, biruin mo, naikot ko pa ang mundo."

He is currently waiting for the documents to be properly accomplished to have conjugal power for the claims of the assets. But then again, money is a major constraint. He needs it to pay his attorney, who, according to him, is not doing anything. It’s been 10 months now, and counting, since he last filed the case.

It got me thinking.. This man, at one point in his ife, had all the money in the  world. Money talks…but all it says is good-bye. Should his poverty make him
feel  mortified and discomfited? In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of. Which country are we in?

Anyway, that’s beside the point now. I’m sorry… Info-rush!

Thank God for poverty that makes and keeps us free, and lets us go our unobtrusive way, glad of the sun and rain, upright, serene, humane, contented with the fortune of a day.

Happiness is not a destination you arrive. It it the journey you take to get there.

As for Boss Enteng, I wonder what he’s doing right now..or my officemate from right accoss my desk, I wonder how she’s feeling..or my boss who just came from a meeting, I wonder what she is thinking..or my friend who forwarded me a love message, I wonder what she is imagining right now..I wonder.. I wonder.. We all learn something from anyone.We can always wonder.. and we can also ask.. You choose..

Aaaww..look at the babies!! They’re sooo cute! Mm..I just love kids.Hehehe. Enjoy your weekends!!!