My Inner Peace…

When you look closely, people seem to be so strange and so complicated that they’re actually beautiful. Even me. Life is about feeling someone pushing you from behind and realizing..it’s only you. Indeed, life is complicated (duh!).. But that makes it more interesting, right? C’mon, you have to agree with me, or else.. well, there really is no “or else”, just agree with me. Let me start this with a short scene that happened to me a few days back. I was on my way home from work. It was around 3:30 in the morning. It was still all dark. I was listening to my mp4 player, and looked at my right (just around the corner of the street), and saw two dogs licking each other’s face. So, I told myself, “Wooow!!! Now this is quite a scene.. Cute!! Sweet!! but… Eeew!!!”

So, finally got home. There I was, trying to sleep..but I couldn’t… Hohumm.. Zzz… (Hehe, ok, so it took me half a second to fall asleep. C’mon, give me a break. T’was such a loooong day and I was sooo exhausted. Sheesh!!)

Let’s continue, shall we?

Mmm..I woke up after four hours. I was still feeling a bit groggy and bleary and unsteady, but, for some reason, I just couldn’t go back to sleep, so, I decided to get me something to eat. I walked the same street as I did four hours ago, only, this time, the sun was shining down on me. As I was looking around, I realized something…more like an eye-opener for me..(Mmm.. Not really, more like a reality check…a nice one).

As I was walking, realized that LOVE is everywhere. Yeah, I know..this sounds corny, or cheesy, or mushy, or gay stuff…but it’s true. I saw lolo and lola at the carinderia watching TV together..that is love right there. A group of kids playing and smiling and laughing, Manong Kuchinta selling his stuff for a living..that..that’s love right there. Love is everywhere…and we know it..you know it.

However, for some people, things are in its different (or proper) perspective now. I look at it differently this time. I have people in my life that I love…my family, relatives, friends…I love ‘em..but for that special kind of love that we all yearn for? Mmm.. let’s just say things are kind of different for me now. The person I was at 14 is not the same person I am at 24. A lot has happened. Things have changed. Times are now different. We live, we learn…and I have learned a lot…especially from this thing called love. The things I saw as beautiful when I was 14, at 24 I see the unattractiveness.

You do know what I mean, don’t you?

Take clouds for instance. We used to see them as fluffy feather-cotton stuff floating in the sky. I remember when I was a kid, I used to lie on the grass and was just trying to figure out animal shapes from those cute fluffy clouds. They used to be so beautiful. But now, they only block the sun… They pour hard rain… So many things I could’ve done, but clouds got in my way.

Puppy love, oh how can I forget? The moment that “special” person says “hi”, it’s like everything just becomes perfect all of a sudden. The whole world stops without you realizing that you’ve been wearing that grin the whole day. Nothing or no one could ever ruin your perfect day, just because of the simple “hi…hello”. All your dreams and fairytales come to life. You start doing things you thought you could never do, like, draw, or paint, or write poems. Oh…what a feeling this thing called love can bring to us… But now, it’s just another show. You know, when things happen to you..when you’ve been through hard times, suffered excruciating pain…when you’ve cried so hard and had sleepless nights, you then realize that your fairytale isn’t really a fairytale at all.

And the people you had learned to love? What of them now? (Sigh..)

You leave them laughing when you go, and if you care enough, don’t let them know… don’t give yourself away.

Reality then starts to sink in…and then you start to think, "am I better off alone?"

I’ve looked at love from both sides now..

From give and take, but still somehow, it’s love’s illusions that I recall…

I guess, I really don’t know love at all…

I really don’t know at all…

When you learn to still the mind, you begin to take notice of your thoughts and feelings as they occur. You become somewhat of an "observer" to your own life.

In my own lifetime, alot of things have happened… and, up until now, I still couldn’t really see myself in, say, ten to twenty years from now. Where I am heading… What I will be doing… Who I will be with…

Now, the latter is the most… bizarre thought of all…

Me thinking: "Who will I be with in the future? In 2 years from now? In 20 years?  Will I be with someone? Someone who loves me? Or, will I be living alone (both by choice or by fate)?"

In any case, I will be fine. I know I will. I’ve always done things on my own, what difference is this gonna be? Surely we have people around us who love us so much. Our parents, our family, and our friends… but… I’ve done things on my own. As a baby, when I made my first step, my parents were there to support and cheer me up, but I made that first step all by myself. When I took high school or college exams, I passed… and I did that all by myself. When I sang my first note, my mom taught me, but I did that all by myself. When I auditioned for musical plays, or choir exams, or singing contests… I did that on my own. During job interviews, my sister gave me tips, but I answered the questions on my own… I aced that on my own. When I was on my darker days, doing things that I know aren’t "normal" for normal people, the tears I shed, the blood I drip, the wounds on my wrist, I did that on my own. I’ve always done things on my own. People around us, they’re just there to cheer us up, to give us support, and to love us… but we do things on our own (at least I did, in my case), though we should be thankful for them, for being their when we needed them, but, we decide on what we do, and what we think. We do that on our own.

So, I guess, in spite of all the things around me, I’ll be great, and I’ll be fine. There were people who came in to my life. Some of them left marks, good ones… and some, left scars of death. But, despite all that… I was able to surpass it all…all by myself…all the tears and sleepless nights. I’ll be fine, I’ll be great. Back when I was suicidal (geeez, I don’t ever wanna go back to those days), I triumphed over it and overcame it all…all by myself. I’ll be great, I’ll be fine.

Right now, I just wanna do things the way I imagined it. There is more to life than containing yourself on a box, always looking at the past and regretting on doing the things you did. I don’t wanna do that. I did the things I did because it was bound to happen. I get hurt. I hurt someone. For me, it’s inevitable. I don’t wanna regret the things I did, rather, I would like to think of ways to make it better (if the thing that happened was bad), or give myself a pat on the back (if the thing that happened was something good).

People live, people die. People win, people lose. The sun rises, and the sun sets.  Where there is east, there is west. Just below north, is south. We hurt, we get hurt. We trust, we get betrayed. We love, we get our hearts torn. I’ve been through it all…in life, and in love. And this thing called "relationship"???…this is scary. Relationships, no matter how good, are a series of compromises. Sometimes, love just ain’t enough. For me, when we love someone, it’s not enough that we let our hearts dominate our actions. By doing so, we start distrusting the one we love… and, everything just gets messed up. (Argh! Why am I even talking about this…) (Not over…next…)

But despite all that, all we need to do is live life, and reboot ourselves.

I miss a lot of people, those people who have touched my life and made it   seem…perfect! I miss ‘em. Friends…and…ehem… (Okay, where was I? Oh yes). Some of them I have been with for years, and some, I’ve been with even just for days. I miss them… I still pray that at some point in my life, I could meet them again and probably… uhmm… just sit and talk… I’d love that.. But then again, I’ll be fine… and I’ll be great. Like every night that’s come before it, this too shall pass… everything will pass… (sob.. sob..)

Whatever happens to me in the future, I know I’ll be fine…and I’ll be great. Like every tree stands on its own, reaching for the sky, I stand alone… (but I’m still hoping someone would change that).

One man’s dawn is another man’s sunshine. We all go through troubles, and  sometimes, we just don’t know how it started, or why it had to happen.. but, things have to happen… and, things happen for a reason. If we experience something terrible, and devastating, let’s remember that something bad for us, might be good for others.. and vice versa. Besides, I’m sure that if we really look at life as a whole, we will realize that someone else’s problems will make your (ours) look like minor inconveniences. I’m just here to… just let..myself know (I guess), that… things happen in our lives that…we don’t really know why it happened, but… in the end, the answer will just be right in front of us.

If "it" (the happening) be a blessing, then thank God for it. If "it" be hardships and tribulations and trials, then just tell yourself, "this too shall pass, like every night that’s come before it.."

I am a Christian, and I believe that God will never give me something more than I can bear. So, I guess, this too, shall pass. Besides, He knows better than I. Afterwhile…afterwhile…this too shall pass. Scars will heal. It won’t hurt me after while.

Lord, I thought I did what’s right… I thought I had the answers… I thought I chose the surest road but that road brought me here. So I put up a fight, and told you how to help me. But just when I had given up, the truth is coming clear. You know better than I, you know the way. I’ve let go the need to know why, for you know better than I.

Amen.

I’m smiling now (and that’s a good thing..). This is far the shortest blog I’ve ever written. I’ve to rush though. I’ve to pass by the gym real quick… God bless y’all… Have a nice weekend.