My Inner Peace…

You remember the times when you felt that you were so sure of that four-letter word. You remember how those butterflies lingered inside your stomach every time she passed by. You remember how she said, "I love you" and you kissed her and hugged her and wrapped your arms around her…and then you remember how the days passed by, and slowly you felt like you’ve been neglected; taken for granted. You remember how she broke your heart, and the many tissue papers and handkerchiefs you used to wipe your tears away…

You told yourself, you will never love again.. You promised yourself that love will only cause you pain. You made a pact with yourself that you will love yourself, your family, and your friends. When people around ask why you don’t have a girlfriend, you say, "I don’t need one. If I want sex, I can have it anywhere. If I need love, I have my family. If I want companionship, I have friends.." You convince not only the people around you, but also yourself. You tell that to yourself everyday. "I don’t need love! I don’t need love! I don’t need love!"

Slowly you have come to a realization… (or so you thought). You have convinced yourself so hard that it had been your truth… your real truth in life. You have established your comfort zone within that so-called truth…so-called theory. You were so sure of what’s gonna happen to you in 10 years…that you were gonna be single and happy with it. No more love, no more lies, no more heartaches, no more drama. Just living a simple life…the way you imagined it.

Yet, despite all of this…you know that you’ve been lying to yourself. You know what you want. You cry sheepishly and shamefacedly every night, asking God, "Lord, if You’re out there; if You’re real, please send me somebody to love, and somebody who’ll love me.. Someone who I know will love me… love me… love me…" You say this prayer every night.

The following morning, you start another day with the mask of invulnerability on the front line, ready to answer questions that people throw at you.

You thought love would never come your way. You’ve been hurt so badly to the point that you don’t trust anyone with your heart anymore… UNTIL THAT ONE DAY… You saw her. She was standing just a few meters away from you. You looked at her, you felt like you’ve known her your entire life. You approach and you start a conversation. Things went quite well…

Days had gone by and the friendship that started eventually bloomed  into something else. You told yourself, "this can’t be!!! I swore! I made a pact to myself! I will never love again!! Why??? After every girl had passed my by, why stop for this one?? What’s so special about her? Why can’t I dictate how I feel??? What should I do???" You struggle, trying to find the answer.

"I’m screwed! I’m fucked! I know the ending even before it’ll happen! I already know the outcome! Tears will flow!! I will suffer!!! I cannot stop the inevitable! I should not insist the unwanted! This has to stop!"

You so wanted to stop whatever it was that started… but you can’t.  You know you can’t, for the mind controls the body, but the heart controls everything else. You soon realized that what you felt for her is something genuine and sincere… and you saw that in her as well. You then concluded that the unwanted is inevitable. Life is too short to be confined in a box of fear. You then decided to give love one more chance. To open your heart to someone… for love is like giving the other a gun pointed at your heart, and trusting him or her never to pull the trigger.

To this date, you are happy with your decision. Sure you know you’ll cry, get hurt. But it’s part of it. You then decide to work it out with her. For now you realize that she has been a blessing sent from God. You will take care of her. You will love her with all your heart…’

"What happens next?", you ask. The rest is yet to be written.