My Inner Peace…

As I woke up, I stretched my hands and legs enough to give my body the morning jolt. The blurry vision made it difficult to really see some white shades of the room, so I focused my attention on the green window curtains. The sun was up, I noticed. I walked towards the door of the house, flipped my cigarette case, got one stick, and gently lit the cigar, making that somewhat crunchy noise as I puffed through the stick. Pondering on things, I came across the line, "what is and what should never be…"

Is there such a thing as what-should-never-be? Are there things in my life that I wish never happened to me? Given the chance, would I want to live it differently? Something more…say, classy? Glamorous? Trouble-free, perhaps?

As I puffed through my cigar, I felt heat near my fingers. Sheeesh. It was time to kill the lights off the stick. I walked down the hall, to the refrigerator, grabbed a drink (water, not beer..ehem-ehem) and continued to be evocative of the things in my life that I wished never happened. I started counting…1…2…3…up to 7..and then contemplated more on things and realized the numbers were dropping…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…and finally…zero.

I realized that everything that happened in my life, I’m glad it happened. I wouldn’t be the person I am today, if it weren’t for the those things. And yes, even the part when I got molested. Everything happens for a reason, and nothing happens by chance.

I realized, some things happen to us at the time may seem horrible, painful, and unfair, but in reflection we realize that without overcoming those obstacles, we would never realize and appreciate our potential, strength, and will power.

That made my day. Started it right…and hopefully, will end it right. I had a small grin on my face as I concluded the day’s contemplation.

…Headed for the showers and hoped for the best…

"I have everything I’ve ever wanted, but I wanted the wrong things…"

It’s 12:58am, and here I am, all alone in one of the corners of the office (yeah, I know, I’ve work on Sundays, so what??), thinking if everything I have in my life right now, all of ‘em, are the things that I really wanted.

I remember I was watching TV around late last year. It was around 11:30 PM-ish and I was tuning on different channels, until I came accross ‘The Oprah Winfrey Show’. Since it was quite a boring night, I said to myself, "I’m sure there’s something interesting here.." And so I stopped clicking the remote and started paying attention to that episode. I was delighted to see the cast of ‘Desperate Housewives’ (I’ve only seen a couple of episodes, but this TV series is, or was, a hit…or so I’ve heard). One of the main characters of the show, Eva Longoria (who played Gabrielle Marquez) talked about her character, and then later said, "I have everything I’ve ever wanted, but I wanted the wrong things."

And so I paused for a while and started to collect my thoughts…

I told myself, "C’mon!! These words came from someone who played a role of a desperate housewife, how could I possibly relate?" But, hey, it got to me…and it can get to anyone too. This line, for me, is universal. I mean, c’mon, think about it. Look at your surroundings. Look at your stuff. Look at yourself. Face the mirror. What do you see? Is the person on the mirror the person you’ve always wanted to be? Or is this person the person you’ve always wanted to be, but then when you actually became that person, you then realized that the life this person brings to you is in contrary to your beliefs and principles in life?

So you look in the mirror everyday. What do you see? Do you see yourself? Or just parts of you? Do you rail at the image, hoping it will be different, better, more like, someone else’s? Do you tell yourself, "I have everything I’ve ever wanted, but why am I unhappy?" It’s simple. It’s all because you have wanted the wrong things. We have always (well, not really always, but most of the time) wanted the wrong things. We don’t really realize this… not until we actually get what we’ve always wanted.

So…do you still think falling for a line deliverd by a chick, even more, a desperate housewife, is sort of…disturbing???

Think about it…’coz I have.

Some people believe that without history, our lives would amount to nothing. At some point, we all have to choose. Do we fall back at what we know? .. or, do we step forward to something new???

It’s hard not to be haunted by our past. Our history is what shapes us…guides us.

Our history resurfaces time after time…after time…So, we have to remember that…sometimes, the most important history is the history we’re making today.

We all think we are going to be great and we feel a little bit of robbed when our expectations aren’t met. But sometimes our expectations fall short. Sometimes, the expected simply  comes to comparison to the unexpected.  You gotta wonder why we cling to our expectations because the expected is just what keeps us steady… standing…still…

The expected is just the beginning. The unexpected is what changes our lives.