My Inner Peace…

As he woke up, he instantaneously rushed to the bathroom, took a bar of soap, and started swinging it through his body…(swinging?? Is that even the right term? Hehe.. Oh well, moving on..) He puts on shampoo on his head-hair, shaved off his mustache and beard (well, whatever’s left) and rushed to the closet to get dressed for work. In the office, he sat infront of his computer, started typing and clicking and flipping through pages…

Tsk.. Tsk..

Poor guy, you’d think… Poor guy… He is no different from any other geeky-hard-working-workaholic-son-of-a-gun-type’a guy.

Well ladies and gentlemen, guess what? This guy?

This guy is me… Guddz Gonzales… Yep! Me.. Me.. Me.. and, oh.. Me. My life revolves around schedules. Twenty-four (24) hours is more often not enough to cover for the things I needed to do for the day…but you know what… In my everyday life, I make it a point to have my own little corner…and stay there…and be at peace…be myself…with no one around me… just me… (mentally…, or emotionally, at least).

In my own little corner, in my own little space… I can be whatever I want to be. I can be the richest person in the world, be the CEO of whatever company, or be like Superman, with laser beams.. oh wait! Make that, Spiderman with sticky webs.. Yeah, I like that…sticky webs. Hehe… Or, I can be just about any body.. a famous popstar, or a super genius guy next to Einstein, or..well… you get the picture. I can be whoever I want to be. Heck, I can even be the Prince of Egypt, or an heir who always had his robe done…or a lottery winner (why not?)…

Stressful as our days may be, let’s not forget the child in us…and play with outselves..(ok, I know what you’re thinking… not that kind of play.. Hehe. What I meant was…Mmm..you know what I mean, mentally and..well, mentally. Use your imagination). That’s something no one can ever take away from you. That’s yours…do with it as you see fit.

And…when you’re done, when your mind and body are now in balanced position…perfect symmetry and all that sh**, come back to the real world, and once again face the music. It doesn’t hurt to be  busy…but it doesn’t hurt to escape a while and free your mind…even just for a while…for a short while…in your own little corner.

There is only one road I am walking, and the road is long, with  humps and bumps, with many winding turns…This leads me to, who knows where…and this road, is my road.

And there is only one heart that guides me through it..my heart.

As long as I live, my life will end one day…and my body will return to the earth. Above, the flowers of grass will bloom. Their souls will feed the memories that live on in my heart. Everything in the world flows and circulates. That includes people’s lives as well. That includes my life, yours, and everyone else’s.

In my journey, for as long as I see a road, my destination is yet to be determined. I cannot really tell what will happen to me in the future. I cannot tell whether my dreams will be fulfilled. All I know is, I have a dream, and I have a plan, and I will live my life, the way I planned it, or die trying…

In my life’s journey, many dreams that I have lost along the way still haunt me. I guess, they always will. But, that doesn’t stop me. Life will go one for me. If I die, the world will still continue to move, plants will grow, buildings will be constructed. The world will not stop for my grief either.. So, I do not dwell so much on failed dreams, instead, I look forward with hope… hope of having something greater..a greater life.

Looking through the tracks I made, I realized that everytime something was too much to bear, I just left it there. This time, I’ll take it with me, and try to hone it, until it gets lighter and lighter, until it will be unnoticeable…invisible.

Life’s full of twists and turns. I will not let it get the best of me…or die trying. After all, as I always tell myself…perfect is boring.

There is only one road I am walking, and this road is my road. It’s a long, long road, from which there is no return.

You remember the times when you felt that you were so sure of that four-letter word. You remember how those butterflies lingered inside your stomach every time she passed by. You remember how she said, "I love you" and you kissed her and hugged her and wrapped your arms around her…and then you remember how the days passed by, and slowly you felt like you’ve been neglected; taken for granted. You remember how she broke your heart, and the many tissue papers and handkerchiefs you used to wipe your tears away…

You told yourself, you will never love again.. You promised yourself that love will only cause you pain. You made a pact with yourself that you will love yourself, your family, and your friends. When people around ask why you don’t have a girlfriend, you say, "I don’t need one. If I want sex, I can have it anywhere. If I need love, I have my family. If I want companionship, I have friends.." You convince not only the people around you, but also yourself. You tell that to yourself everyday. "I don’t need love! I don’t need love! I don’t need love!"

Slowly you have come to a realization… (or so you thought). You have convinced yourself so hard that it had been your truth… your real truth in life. You have established your comfort zone within that so-called truth…so-called theory. You were so sure of what’s gonna happen to you in 10 years…that you were gonna be single and happy with it. No more love, no more lies, no more heartaches, no more drama. Just living a simple life…the way you imagined it.

Yet, despite all of this…you know that you’ve been lying to yourself. You know what you want. You cry sheepishly and shamefacedly every night, asking God, "Lord, if You’re out there; if You’re real, please send me somebody to love, and somebody who’ll love me.. Someone who I know will love me… love me… love me…" You say this prayer every night.

The following morning, you start another day with the mask of invulnerability on the front line, ready to answer questions that people throw at you.

You thought love would never come your way. You’ve been hurt so badly to the point that you don’t trust anyone with your heart anymore… UNTIL THAT ONE DAY… You saw her. She was standing just a few meters away from you. You looked at her, you felt like you’ve known her your entire life. You approach and you start a conversation. Things went quite well…

Days had gone by and the friendship that started eventually bloomed  into something else. You told yourself, "this can’t be!!! I swore! I made a pact to myself! I will never love again!! Why??? After every girl had passed my by, why stop for this one?? What’s so special about her? Why can’t I dictate how I feel??? What should I do???" You struggle, trying to find the answer.

"I’m screwed! I’m fucked! I know the ending even before it’ll happen! I already know the outcome! Tears will flow!! I will suffer!!! I cannot stop the inevitable! I should not insist the unwanted! This has to stop!"

You so wanted to stop whatever it was that started… but you can’t.  You know you can’t, for the mind controls the body, but the heart controls everything else. You soon realized that what you felt for her is something genuine and sincere… and you saw that in her as well. You then concluded that the unwanted is inevitable. Life is too short to be confined in a box of fear. You then decided to give love one more chance. To open your heart to someone… for love is like giving the other a gun pointed at your heart, and trusting him or her never to pull the trigger.

To this date, you are happy with your decision. Sure you know you’ll cry, get hurt. But it’s part of it. You then decide to work it out with her. For now you realize that she has been a blessing sent from God. You will take care of her. You will love her with all your heart…’

"What happens next?", you ask. The rest is yet to be written.

It’s strange that I haven’t been writing for the past couple of days. Normally, I’d just blurt everything I feel and see where it goes from there. Now, I am trying to write something out of nothing..

Or, something out of something deeper…

These questions I ask myself: Have I been empty these past few days? Has my heart been in the lost-and-found that I do not know how or what I feel? Am I empty inside? Do I yearn for something to happen to me? Have I been waiting too long? Is there still hope?

We hope, and we dream…but we never really believe that something is going to happen to us, not like it does in the movies, and when it actually does, we expect it to feel different, more genuine, authentic; more real.

Whoever you are who’s reading this right now, I would like to impart this to you. Things should always go forward, instead of backwards. Nothing stays the same forever. If you fall..go ahead and cry, feel the pain..and then pull yourself together. The world will never stop for your grief, so you might as well wake up and start over again. It’s either going to get better or worse. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. If you insist that things stay the same, then you will be your own nemesis. Nothing is worse than fighting with yourself, struggling to find answers that you already know, yet the other side of you denies it and creates a fantasy to cover up the reality.

We all want to have a good life. Something simple yet fulfilling. A life with no  demands, no expectations, no threats. WELL, NEWS FLASH!!! A life like that only happens one year after birth… Everything after that is a whole new world, a whole new beginning. Things change. Things happen. Things happen for a reason. If you think that the things that are happening to you are shitty, well think about this: life would be much less interesting without problems, tribulations, demands, and expectations. So cheer up!

My life is a graveyard of buried hopes.

It’s really a wonder that I haven’t dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because inspite of everything, I still people that people are really good at heart. I simply cannot build my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery, and death.

When you look closely, people seem to be so strange and so complicated that they’re actually beautiful. Even me. Life is about feeling someone pushing you from behind and realizing..it’s only you. Indeed, life is complicated (duh!).. But that makes it more interesting, right? C’mon, you have to agree with me, or else.. well, there really is no “or else”, just agree with me. Let me start this with a short scene that happened to me a few days back. I was on my way home from work. It was around 3:30 in the morning. It was still all dark. I was listening to my mp4 player, and looked at my right (just around the corner of the street), and saw two dogs licking each other’s face. So, I told myself, “Wooow!!! Now this is quite a scene.. Cute!! Sweet!! but… Eeew!!!”

So, finally got home. There I was, trying to sleep..but I couldn’t… Hohumm.. Zzz… (Hehe, ok, so it took me half a second to fall asleep. C’mon, give me a break. T’was such a loooong day and I was sooo exhausted. Sheesh!!)

Let’s continue, shall we?

Mmm..I woke up after four hours. I was still feeling a bit groggy and bleary and unsteady, but, for some reason, I just couldn’t go back to sleep, so, I decided to get me something to eat. I walked the same street as I did four hours ago, only, this time, the sun was shining down on me. As I was looking around, I realized something…more like an eye-opener for me..(Mmm.. Not really, more like a reality check…a nice one).

As I was walking, realized that LOVE is everywhere. Yeah, I know..this sounds corny, or cheesy, or mushy, or gay stuff…but it’s true. I saw lolo and lola at the carinderia watching TV together..that is love right there. A group of kids playing and smiling and laughing, Manong Kuchinta selling his stuff for a living..that..that’s love right there. Love is everywhere…and we know it..you know it.

However, for some people, things are in its different (or proper) perspective now. I look at it differently this time. I have people in my life that I love…my family, relatives, friends…I love ‘em..but for that special kind of love that we all yearn for? Mmm.. let’s just say things are kind of different for me now. The person I was at 14 is not the same person I am at 24. A lot has happened. Things have changed. Times are now different. We live, we learn…and I have learned a lot…especially from this thing called love. The things I saw as beautiful when I was 14, at 24 I see the unattractiveness.

You do know what I mean, don’t you?

Take clouds for instance. We used to see them as fluffy feather-cotton stuff floating in the sky. I remember when I was a kid, I used to lie on the grass and was just trying to figure out animal shapes from those cute fluffy clouds. They used to be so beautiful. But now, they only block the sun… They pour hard rain… So many things I could’ve done, but clouds got in my way.

Puppy love, oh how can I forget? The moment that “special” person says “hi”, it’s like everything just becomes perfect all of a sudden. The whole world stops without you realizing that you’ve been wearing that grin the whole day. Nothing or no one could ever ruin your perfect day, just because of the simple “hi…hello”. All your dreams and fairytales come to life. You start doing things you thought you could never do, like, draw, or paint, or write poems. Oh…what a feeling this thing called love can bring to us… But now, it’s just another show. You know, when things happen to you..when you’ve been through hard times, suffered excruciating pain…when you’ve cried so hard and had sleepless nights, you then realize that your fairytale isn’t really a fairytale at all.

And the people you had learned to love? What of them now? (Sigh..)

You leave them laughing when you go, and if you care enough, don’t let them know… don’t give yourself away.

Reality then starts to sink in…and then you start to think, "am I better off alone?"

I’ve looked at love from both sides now..

From give and take, but still somehow, it’s love’s illusions that I recall…

I guess, I really don’t know love at all…

I really don’t know at all…

When you learn to still the mind, you begin to take notice of your thoughts and feelings as they occur. You become somewhat of an "observer" to your own life.

In my own lifetime, alot of things have happened… and, up until now, I still couldn’t really see myself in, say, ten to twenty years from now. Where I am heading… What I will be doing… Who I will be with…

Now, the latter is the most… bizarre thought of all…

Me thinking: "Who will I be with in the future? In 2 years from now? In 20 years?  Will I be with someone? Someone who loves me? Or, will I be living alone (both by choice or by fate)?"

In any case, I will be fine. I know I will. I’ve always done things on my own, what difference is this gonna be? Surely we have people around us who love us so much. Our parents, our family, and our friends… but… I’ve done things on my own. As a baby, when I made my first step, my parents were there to support and cheer me up, but I made that first step all by myself. When I took high school or college exams, I passed… and I did that all by myself. When I sang my first note, my mom taught me, but I did that all by myself. When I auditioned for musical plays, or choir exams, or singing contests… I did that on my own. During job interviews, my sister gave me tips, but I answered the questions on my own… I aced that on my own. When I was on my darker days, doing things that I know aren’t "normal" for normal people, the tears I shed, the blood I drip, the wounds on my wrist, I did that on my own. I’ve always done things on my own. People around us, they’re just there to cheer us up, to give us support, and to love us… but we do things on our own (at least I did, in my case), though we should be thankful for them, for being their when we needed them, but, we decide on what we do, and what we think. We do that on our own.

So, I guess, in spite of all the things around me, I’ll be great, and I’ll be fine. There were people who came in to my life. Some of them left marks, good ones… and some, left scars of death. But, despite all that… I was able to surpass it all…all by myself…all the tears and sleepless nights. I’ll be fine, I’ll be great. Back when I was suicidal (geeez, I don’t ever wanna go back to those days), I triumphed over it and overcame it all…all by myself. I’ll be great, I’ll be fine.

Right now, I just wanna do things the way I imagined it. There is more to life than containing yourself on a box, always looking at the past and regretting on doing the things you did. I don’t wanna do that. I did the things I did because it was bound to happen. I get hurt. I hurt someone. For me, it’s inevitable. I don’t wanna regret the things I did, rather, I would like to think of ways to make it better (if the thing that happened was bad), or give myself a pat on the back (if the thing that happened was something good).

People live, people die. People win, people lose. The sun rises, and the sun sets.  Where there is east, there is west. Just below north, is south. We hurt, we get hurt. We trust, we get betrayed. We love, we get our hearts torn. I’ve been through it all…in life, and in love. And this thing called "relationship"???…this is scary. Relationships, no matter how good, are a series of compromises. Sometimes, love just ain’t enough. For me, when we love someone, it’s not enough that we let our hearts dominate our actions. By doing so, we start distrusting the one we love… and, everything just gets messed up. (Argh! Why am I even talking about this…) (Not over…next…)

But despite all that, all we need to do is live life, and reboot ourselves.

I miss a lot of people, those people who have touched my life and made it   seem…perfect! I miss ‘em. Friends…and…ehem… (Okay, where was I? Oh yes). Some of them I have been with for years, and some, I’ve been with even just for days. I miss them… I still pray that at some point in my life, I could meet them again and probably… uhmm… just sit and talk… I’d love that.. But then again, I’ll be fine… and I’ll be great. Like every night that’s come before it, this too shall pass… everything will pass… (sob.. sob..)

Whatever happens to me in the future, I know I’ll be fine…and I’ll be great. Like every tree stands on its own, reaching for the sky, I stand alone… (but I’m still hoping someone would change that).

One man’s dawn is another man’s sunshine. We all go through troubles, and  sometimes, we just don’t know how it started, or why it had to happen.. but, things have to happen… and, things happen for a reason. If we experience something terrible, and devastating, let’s remember that something bad for us, might be good for others.. and vice versa. Besides, I’m sure that if we really look at life as a whole, we will realize that someone else’s problems will make your (ours) look like minor inconveniences. I’m just here to… just let..myself know (I guess), that… things happen in our lives that…we don’t really know why it happened, but… in the end, the answer will just be right in front of us.

If "it" (the happening) be a blessing, then thank God for it. If "it" be hardships and tribulations and trials, then just tell yourself, "this too shall pass, like every night that’s come before it.."

I am a Christian, and I believe that God will never give me something more than I can bear. So, I guess, this too, shall pass. Besides, He knows better than I. Afterwhile…afterwhile…this too shall pass. Scars will heal. It won’t hurt me after while.

Lord, I thought I did what’s right… I thought I had the answers… I thought I chose the surest road but that road brought me here. So I put up a fight, and told you how to help me. But just when I had given up, the truth is coming clear. You know better than I, you know the way. I’ve let go the need to know why, for you know better than I.

Amen.

I’m smiling now (and that’s a good thing..). This is far the shortest blog I’ve ever written. I’ve to rush though. I’ve to pass by the gym real quick… God bless y’all… Have a nice weekend.

Hmm.. This is not the typical me who’ll be talking about sex..sex..and all about sex. Oh no!! Not me. Hehehe.. The subject is quite intriguing..quite tempting..but.. Naah.. I would rather not..or..would I? Hmm.. I dont think I have the right to even start a conversation such as this. Someone who’s got a lot of experience should..not me!! I have always been the "master" of heartbroken, sad stories.. But, ok..I’ll try my best to talk about something everyone "rarely" talks about.

What is sex?? (or should I even start with that question..) Ok, ok.. Let me rephrase.. How does one person have intercourse with another? (hmm..not a very appealing line to attract,huh)..

*Erase-Erase*

Me thinking: Phew!!Palms are sweating now..heart is beating so fast. How do I start a blog with sex as a topic?? Think Guddz!! Think!! You can do it!!

Ok.. Sex on the civil side would be a better approach. Who talks about what,  then? When we we’re kids, has anyone ever taught us the "dos and dont’s" of sex? Nope.. I dont think so. Why? Because we’re scared.. (of what Guddz, tell me..what were you scared of??)..Well, I was scared of being punished for thinking about it, even as a kid. I felt comfortable talking about it with cousins and classmates. Uh oh!! Wait.. Wait.. I dont want you to think differently here. When I was a kid, two people kissing, for me was already sex. So.. I really had noooo idea. TRUST ME!!! We pick up some information from videos we secretly watch. I remember when I was in grade 3 or 4, my cousin lent me his porn BETA tape. The BETA player was on my parent’s room..so I was there. I was so engrossed watching it not knowing I forgot to lock the door. Alas! My dad caught me. So, then I was reprimanded and given a warning.. (For what Guddz??? For watching the video).. Hell yeah! So, who then should I talk about it with??

We, Filipinos, have the innate nature of being..conservative. Our lolos and lolas during their ancient times never talked about it (I think). Well, they should..maybe. Studies show that kids who feel they can talk with their parents about sex — because their moms and dads speak openly and listen carefully to them — are less likely to engage in high-risk behavior as teens than kids who do not feel they can talk with their parents about the subject.

So.. What is sex then? When two people kiss, is that sex? Hahaha. Call me crazy and stupid, but..really, I thought of it as something sooooooo sexual when I was a kid. When I was a kid, seeing two couples kiss on TV, was too much for me. I would literally cover my eyes..(Why would you do that?)..Well, because that was how I was taught and raised. That I was not at the right age to watch people kiss. Mmm.. Maybe t’was for the better. Maybe it was good for me and for anyone who was raised that way. In a weird kinda way, that brought my being "conservative" to present.

I know a lot of people who, at a very young age, are active at sex. Most of them got pregnant, some of them (the guys) regretted having impregnated their women. Imagine this, someone who’s at a very young age, someone who has a lot in store for him/her, would have someone to take care of (a baby). Some of these people I talk about are trying to get their life back, and are becoming successful, but not all. Time wasted is time…what was that quote again?? Mental block.. NEXT!!!

Ok, so what else? MAST@#%TION.. Whoever talks about that? Not your kuya, especially not your dad. So what option do have left except your friends. You learn stuff about (ehem..ehem..), you-know-what, from your friends and peers. Luckily, when I was in high school we had sex education. Mmm.. Im not sure if it’s ok to post it but, we were consented to watch a real porn movie..the whole class together with our teacher. She was good at it..at explaining things, that is (naughty you, haha). We then learned real stuff, stuff they don’t teach in normal schools..and Im glad I got the awareness from a real teacher, from a real class..

Oh yeah about the "M" thing. I had a funny experience. My cousin caught me..uhmm..nahh..would rather not talk about it as well..haha. NEXT!!!

So, what am I really driving at here? Nothing sexual, I hope. I guess, what I’m trying to say is, we, as future parents (in 10 years from now, I guess), should start early at educating our kids. Initiate conversations even about sex and sexuality. We need to create an open environment and communicate our own values. We have to be patient and use everyday opportunities to talk..talk..and talk.. (Hey, I’m not planning to become a dad, anytime soon.. Haha.. I’m just suggesting..)

Earlier, as I was finishing up my reports, I was trying to figure out a topic for my blog.. This one’s lame, I know. I couldnt think of anything else. Haha. I’ll think of something better next time.

It’s 4:45am. Fifteen more minutes and Im outta here. Yeepee!!!

I have always wondered what it was like to be in someone else’s shoes. Im pretty sure we all have. The what-ifs would always be apparent. When I was young, I’d put myself in a fantasy world, imagining I was one of the members of X-Men..and then I’d create a character, make my own special powers, and establish my own relationships among other X-Men members. All of these were created in my mind. I was good at it.. Oh yes, I was!!! And then there were other cartoons and fantasy movies

As we grow old, our outlook and viewpoint about life changes. We then establish serious relationships, start to make friends, start to go out more often, and establish our own identity amongst peers. Our what-ifs then evolve to something different.

What if I was richer? What if I was Brad Pitt’s brother, or Mariah Carey’s cousin, or Stevie Wonder’s son, or Gary V.’s third male child, or Dolphy’s son from another woman..or this..or that? Would my life have been any better?

I see friends. Mmm..I know it’s bad, but sometimes (rarely), it crosses my mind, "what if I was in his shoes, Im sure I could be happier than how he is feeling right now.."

Mmm..and then it came to me. I’m no different than anyone else.. If I think this way, I’m sure some people would wish to be in my shoes. Hehehe. So, here goes. What I am about to tell you is an overview of how my life has been for the last 24 years of my existence..and then you tell me if you’d still like to be in my shoes.

Hmm..Let me rephrase that..Let me just tell you instead, a short story about a cute boy named GUDDZ.

Ehem.. Ehem..

It was a dark Saturday night of August 21, 1982, when a cute baby boy was born in the small town of Zamboanga. His mother labored in pain but it was all worth it. He was a normal boy, the fourth (4^th) child among six (6). His father couldnt think of a really nice name for him..he(the father) was drunk at the time this cute boy was born. Instead of naming him Romeo, or Lemuel, or Joshua, or Mikolaj, or Vincent, or even the most common Brian..he named him GUERARDO. Wow! How exciting! Guerardo.. Tsk. Tsk. He was later named by his cousins and friends "Guddz"(thank GOD for cousins and friends!!)..

When he was still a baby, he fell (well, I din’t really fall. Someone tossed me, but the story’s so funny that I wouldn’t even dare go to details) from the double-deck bed. A baby with a basketball-sized head. He almost died. Oh YES!! Almost..But..no. His life continued there on. He was known to be a loner. People loved him. Yes, they did. He was asked to perform everytime aunts and uncles came home, or during parties. But still he always felt alone, but his love for his family could never be compared to any richness in the world. At age 12, he joined the ABS-CBN "Awitanghalan" Regional Singing Contest (which was shown on TV). He did not get the winning prize, but he did win something. The shoot was in Davao. That was when he was molested..by a vocal coach from Cagayan. A big, hairy guy! So devastating, that left a scar on Guerardo’s life.

Soon after that, it was hard for him to even make eye contacts with people. He felt so dirty..BUT, that didn’t stop him from living a good life..or at least trying to. (Fast forward)

In college, he was into music, a lot. Music surrounded his world.. He joined three (3) choirs, altogether. During the whole duration of his college years, he joined a lot of musical plays..some of which he had pretty major roles. He made lots of friends at that time, made known his name.. College was the turning point for Guerardo. That was the time when all the doors opened for him. All things in life. All possibilities he never thought could happen. He met "real" people.Oh yeah, the superficial ones were always around..but he focused more on the real side of it. He met this girl named "Che2x" who became one of his closest friends. A very talented soprano singer. You dont want to anger her. She will literally kill you. Even so, he still felt alonelike there was something missing

Relationships made Guerardo feel even more isolated from the world. His trust had always been broken. Its enough that he was molested by someone he trusted, but by friends..and loversArgh! (Sob.. Sob..)

Soon after, he left Cebu and went to Manila. He took the coward’s way out of his problems. Being in Manila was tougher than he thought. He didn’t know anyone. No contacts, so he had to stop making music/singing a hobby. He needed to find a job. Manila’s big…HUGE!! He didnt know places, or people. But, this guy..this Guerardo guy is and has always been resourceful, optimistic, and imaginative. He always made a way for things to work out..and luckily, it did..

Right now, hes working for HSBC as an Operations Analyst (AMO; Assistant Manager for Opsdesk). Hes happy with his job and with people around him..He is happy right now. Even as I write this, I can feel his happiness leaping up and down, up and down.. As of this writing, its 11:58pm of August 21, and it still is his birthday. So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY GUDDZ!!! Cheers to you!!

Oh yeah, people still take advantage of his kindness and a lot have betrayed him, made talks about him. But that’s fine..It’s all part of life..I guees, with all that he’s been through, he can now say that it’s something that’s inevitable. Right now, he’s just taking thing’s one day at a time. He’s happy having friends, being with friends, being busy with gym and work, and being spiritually, emotionally, (and sometimes, physically) with his family. All I know is, GUDDZ is a loving person..a sweet one. Someone who’s..hopeless romantic..and..just wants to have a good life..If life permits, even be with someone who’s that loving and kind. (*Grins*)

So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury.. This is Guddz. Would you still want to be in his shoes?

Would you like to be in MY shoes??? Mmm.. Im hearing "buzzes" and "ehems" around.. Hehehe. Expected.

See, the thing is..no matter how badly you look at your life..Someone else’s is worse.. There is no preempted happy life. It is us who make life happy for ourselves..At least that’s what I believe in…

If you knew that you would die today, what would you do? Would you change? Gosh.. So little time to do that, huh. Some of you might even think, "nah..it’s too late for that. I’ll just enjoy ever minute I have", or maybe "yes, I would. I just might end up going to heaven.."

Heaven.. Heaven.. Ah, yes.. I know that place.

The earth is always shifting, the light is always changing, and the sea does not cease to grind down rocks. Change begets change. Change is essential…for survival.

As we walk through life, we see ourselves picking up our own pieces of lessons, tragedies, pain, happy thoughts, and all that jazz. We use those "stuff" and apply them in our everyday lives. Sometimes, for the good..and for the most part, it just complicates things.

But, that’s beside the point. Hehe. What I am trying to point out here, is..change  is inevitable. Whether we like it or not, things change. The weather, the time, the locations, TV programs, street names..you name it, it will change. Even our own feelings change; feelings within the relationship. (*remembers the past but shrugs it off; back to the serious-mode Guddz*)

If you knew that love can break your heart, would you change? When you’re down so low that you cannot fall, would you change? If you knew that you would be alone, or find a truth that would bring a pain that can’t be soothed ..would you change? If everything you think you know makes your life unbearable..would you change?

Even I do not know how to answer those questions. If change is something that’s  inevitable, then I guess there’s no other choice but to embrace it. I fear change. Many of us do. Especially when I had already accustomed myself to my own comfort zone. Moving apart from it is a no-no for me. But that doesn’t mean I cannot change my mind about it.(By the way, that’s me with my officemates..Aawww..cute!!)

The love-change thing is no different from any change at all. In a relationship, alot of things can change. Your feelings for one another. Your outlook in life. Your self-esteem…everything changes. If your partner’s love had died down, then it’s part of "change"..It sucks, I know. We sulk in sorrow..feel sorry for ourselves(myself, for that matter), never realizing.."maybe it is time to change..Maybe there was no more growth which is why, it’s time to change."

After accepting all that there is(which is still, by the way, part of change), we then learn to move on, and "change" our perspective in life. For the most part, we become blissful and cheerful..we’re now at the "happy stage".. YeY!! Huraaah!! Huraaah!! I guess, change is there, not fear, but to embrace, after all.

Take your time. It is never too late to change (whatever it is we all need to change). Each person has the same amount of time. So, take your time. Even the rich cannot buy time, hehe.

Mm..What if we found out that we’re two days older than dirt? Yaks!! No time to change. Haha. Kidding. There’s always time. I don’t really know where I am driving at here. Ideas just come rushing through my mind. I’m at work at a Thursday night. Sheeshh!! I’m sleepy.. Maybe I should "change" the music on my PC. I’m listening to George Michael’s ‘Somebody to love’.. Yep! It’s time to change the music. Haha. That might work!!

Ciao y’all… ccc( .).) …